“It’s hard to enjoy a pregnancy while checking for blood every single time you go to the toilet.”
, both there then not. I made a last-minute speech at a charity fundraiser, sobbing my way through as I urgently needed to explain, again, the lowest points to my family and friends, how I feared it was a rock I couldn’t crawl out from under.
Not long after that, number six. We were exhausted. And I realised I was angry. Why did we do this again, we cried to each other, what was the point? This, we said, should be the last time. No more. Fortnightly scans revealed a growing grey smudge, but we could take no heart from that heartbeat, trying its best. We’d been there before. We held hands through our very first 12-week scan in complete silence. After, the sonographer was shocked to hear what we’d been through.
That pregnancy, we were the lucky ones. But the pain, fear, anxiety, guilt? It doesn’t go away. A healthy pregnancy, a healthy scan, a milestone passed. It doesn’t go away. And I know it’s not just us: recently, I joined a support group for pregnancy after loss, to sit among those feeling the same and to offer my support.
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